Hemingway Comix

Owen: This showed up like six times in my Google reader today. Apparently people like it. What do you think about it?

Victor: I don't like when people think the word "cheese" is funny. And "I am so fucking drunk" is kind of a predictable "non sequitur" punchline but I could imagine myself laughing at it if I was in a different mood maybe.

Owen: Yeah, this didn't make me laugh, it made me think of mocking it on our blog. I think that "In a way, he died in every war" could be a funny line, if it wasn't sandwiched by crap.

Victor: At first I thought his big puffy mariner's sweater was like a Shakespearean type get-up with one of those giant collars and the thing made even less sense. Remember when you asked me earlier if I remembered that comic Non Sequitur? I do. It was pretty good, it got kind of wack in the later years. Was dude hella Christian? It's weird that the spell check doesn't think "sequitur" is a word. Oh wait, I guess because it's Latin. But it's kind of been an English word for a minute...

Owen: Yeah, I remember, that comic was awesome for a while, but I remember it getting really weird and incomprhensible later. Wait, you just left, are we still writing this? I think it probably sucks that people make comics that reference things like Ernest Hemingway in a sort of dismissive way. This isn't actually a joke that you would get if you didn't know who Ernest Hemingway was. I guess that doesn't really matter, but it seems cheap or something.

Victor: Sorry I went to go change the channel cause I'm really not liking Nacho Libre right now. But then I couldn't find anything else and I came back to blog more. Blogmore. What? spellcheck recognizes blogmore as a word but not sequitur. Oh wait, it didn't underline sequitur either. Did it somehow turn off? kjfg OK, yeah.

Owen: I think kjfg is actually a word.

Victor: What?

Owen: Nothing, sorry.

Victor: Nacho Libre is so dumb.

Owen: Yeah, I really don't understand why this movie exists. Oh, and I forgot to say that I couldn't agree more about the "cheese" thing. Also, if Ernest Hemingway ever met the author of this comic he would totally fucking kill him. Easily.

Victor: Oh, what I was about to say was I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea to make a joke about Ernest Hemingway that someone wouldn't understand if they weren't familiar with him. I really think the "cheese" part is probably the most objectionable thing in the comic.

Owen: It's concievable that the author's use of the word cheese was coincidental and he/she doesn't think it's funny either. God dammmit. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Victor: OK, but like even if he was just like, "OK, what word should I use here? Uh... cheese... perfectly neutral cheese..." that's still stupid. Cheese is a bad filler word in general, but especially in a comedic setup.

Owen: Yeah, I know.

Victor: OK, sorry I made you keep blogging after you said you wanted to stop. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? is on now. More like Who Wants to Be on a Boring TV Show? AM I RIGHT?

Metablog: SCOTT MCCLOUD FUCKING SUCKS

Victor: In this very special wehatethiswebcomic.blogspot.com blog entry, we are reviewing an old draft (4/23/09) of a review of a Scott McCloud comic on the internet somewhere (now lost) that I started when I was pretty drunk. We never finished it because I think Owen has complicated feelings about Scott McCloud...

BEGIN QUOTED TEXT:

Victor: SCOTT MCCLOUD SUCKS DICK THIS GUY SUCKS SO HARD HIS DRAWINGS SUCK HIS STORY IS BORING LIKE ONE SENTENCE INTO IT, WHAT SOME DUDE AND A CHICK IN SPACE KISSING AND TALKING ABOUT SHIT? FUCK YOU! THIS IS THE WACKEST SHIT. WACK AS FUCK. WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS GARBAGE?

Owen: I am sensing some anger.

Victor: Come on, you don't hate this dude? Don't you hate dude?

Owen: Um, well, actually, after I read Understanding Comics, I tried to get Wesleyan to pay for him to speak there. But they wouldn't. And then I stopped thinking about him until right now, and like the few times we've made fun of him before. So I can't say I hate him, but I probably will if I read any more of his online comics.

Victor: Wesleyan didn't pay for it cause they knew he sucked. This dude is fucking stupid. What the fuck is this stupid bullshit?

Owen: No one at Wesleyan knew who he was. Maybe it would help if you articulated your hatred a little more specifically.

END QUOTED TEXT

Owen: I still haven't thought much about Scott McCloud. He wrote a book that attempts to use a lot of academic sounding theory about narrative and aesthetics or whatever, and a lot of make sense but a lot of it feels like some Freudian shit or something, because it's mostly about what makes sense to him and I think a lot of people believe it because it's written as a comic book and no one else has tried to do anything similar. But it becomes very suspect when you consider that he has no other successful comics, and his fictional work sucks a lot. But, still, I don't feel angry.

Victor: No yeah, I think we've even mentioned briefly in an old entry of wehatethiswebcomic.blogspot.com (or in real life) at some point that we both dug Understanding Comics but his other shit was pretty wack. But yeah, I guess I would have probably gone to see dude speak. He's like a Freudian William Carlos Williams.

Owen: William Carlos Williams? Really? I don't get that at all, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you know what you're talking about.

Victor: He's the black dude from Star Wars. But you wouldn't get that cause you're not a Trekkie like me.

Owen: Fuck no. You fucking loser. Wait, there's a black dude in Star Wars?

Victor: You know who's a fucking loser? SCOTT MCCLOUD.

Owen: When I was talking to him about coming to Wesleyan he said he needed two hotel rooms or something because he travels with his wife and two kids. I think, I could be misremembering that. Anyway, the dude has a wife and two kids and makes a living drawing bullshit. He doesn't care if he's a loser.

Victor: Yeah he does.

Owen: Okay.

Victor: I WIN!

Owen: Fuck.

Some Shit

by somebody we can't find on the Internet




Owen: This is another one from Bob WeiS/Z, but we can't figure out who the actual artist is because it's on LiveJournal, so we don't know if this is actually a reoccurring comic or just some random thing. Anyway, I really like it, even though it's not funny. I also like that "fucking" is spelled "fucken."

Victor: Really? I was kind of bugged by that. But then again, I don't capitalize the word "internet" and you do. DIFFERENT STROKES, YOU KNOW? I don't think it matters if it's reoccurring or not. In any case, I don't really like it. It just seems like another Sentimental Moment Profaned by an Irreverent Statement, which I'm usually down for but feels kind of contrived and awkward to me this time.

Owen: Yeah. You're right. What I liked about it though was that you immediately knew without reading the text that that's exactly what it was going to be, and that there would probably be the word "fuck" in the second piece of text, or something else profane. So I still hate the author, but I think the thing is funny. And I like the drawing. I don't know, who really cares, I have to pee.

Victor: OK, see you later. On further contemplation I believe my problem with the "punchline" though was threefold:

1. The spelling of "fucking."
2. Referring to Piglet as "the pig" is like something that a dad or a screenwriter for a Shrek sequel would say.
3. The reason for Pooh flying off the handle is too arbitrary to justify the radical switch in tone (which was expected in the first place; the agreed-upon pleasure being in "The How," to quote Mark Twain).

Owen: I just got done peeing, although this is like a month later, and rereading this comic I have the exact same feeling, which is that, although it's kind of annoying because it's just a rip off of a lot of other things, like everyone I know making Calvin and Hobbes comics with different words, that are profane. I think what is annoying about it is that you can imagine whoever made this piece of shit sitting at their computer and being like, oh this is great a idea I'm going to make the bear say something really weird and non-nonsensical and that's funny cause this is like a precious children's story. Anyway, I still like it, but would like it more if there wasn't any text.

Victor: So you are saying you like how it sucks? OK, I'm on board with that. It's kind of like William Carlos Williams in that respect.

Owen: Do you even know who William Carlos Williams is? You fucking idiot. It's nothing like that.

Victor: He's the black dude in Star Wars, right?

MONKEY 5.11.09

by Lynda N.

Cat-Fu should only be performed by trained Cat-Fu masters.



Owen: This comic comes via Bob Weisz's comment on our last post. There were many more links. This was the first one we clicked on. There's a website and a LiveJournal. The dog is yelling at the girl because it doesn't want to get off the table.

Victor: I would say the dog is "grrr-ing." Lynda N. needs to shut up. I hate this web comic.

Owen: Your tone has gotten really mean, Victor.

Victor: Shut the fuck up, Owen.

Owen: You don't always have to use profanity to be funny.

Victor: I know, I just really like swearing.

Radical Boy Portable Page 28 5.1.09

by "Beer Before Liquor"



Owen: This comic has been in my google reader for a few weeks now, but I always skip over it because its always way too long for a web comic. I think the guy is making a graphic novella or something out of it. It's sort of about video games, I think? I'm not really sure what's going in this one, is the guy using a garden hose to masturbate?

Victor: I have no idea what the fuck is going on here. This is the stupidest bullshit I've seen in days. Nothing about this pleases me.

Owen: Oh.

Victor: What the fuck is this dude doing with his life? Get a job, man. Get a haircut. Shave that beard. Run a couple laps, you fat fuck. You stupid slob. You're bullshit. Do a push-up. Do some crunches. Cut down on the sweets, sweet tooth. What are you, ten years old? You're like a stupid baby. Idiot asshole.

Owen: YOU FAT FUCK.

Victor: This guy is like the Jay Leno of web comics.

Pictures for Sad Children 4/23/09

by John Campbell



Owen: This comic had this sentence in my Google Reader, which is kind of funny, considering things (like a previous post and something else): "i made this comic and then you read it, we are both to blame."

Victor: Tal, do you want to guest blog on this?

Tal: No.

Tiny Kitten Teeth 4/24/09

by Becky & Frank



Owen: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

Victor: I DON'T KNOW! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

(Guest Blogger) Tal: I KNOW.

Horribleville 4/19/09

by the same dude

Owen: The title of this comic is "Where is my mind? (Pt1)". Knowing that makes this make a little more sense. But I think it might be a problem that we review comics without going back in the archives to read more of the comic, so we know what the fucking plot and like characters and motifs and all that shit, cause basically we're always reacting to a single comic with no context, and while that should be enough to make reasonable aesthetic judgments, and like, whatever the joke is, it's problematic in the sense that we're sort of predisposed to dislike online comics, which has more to do with our distaste for the genre as a whole, or more like the accumulated experience that we've individually had with comics, which was that we used to really like them, and now we don't for some reason. Or at least we act like we don't.

Victor: I think part of the conceit of this blog is that we both agree to ignore context despite agreeing that the only way to really understand something is to understand its context. We revel in how fun it is to stumble upon something out of context and hate the fuck out of it. Part of the fun is how absurdly little of a chance we give the comics we review. And another part of the fun is definitely what you said about how we used to like comics and now we don't (as much). It's like making fun of an old yearbook or something. I also think hating on comics is pretty funny because comics tend to be something that take a really long time to make but a relatively short time to look at. The futility of it is funny. It's like when you laugh at someone who fell over because falling over shows us our mortality or whatever. I also enjoy just having an excuse to just think "out loud" for a bit. And I enjoy having an excuse to hang out with you, friend. Blogging is very therapeutic. I'm surprised I spelled therapeutic right on the first try.

Owen: I never looked at yearbooks. I guess it's kind of like making fun of a tree house, or maybe Halloween costumes that your mom made you when you were five or something. I mean my mom made me. But it is kind of like mortality. Like when you make fun of a person it's kind of weird, because they have like a whole life, and you're just like, "Hey, fat fuck!" and that's all that happens. But the other problem with the blog is that we don't actually hate the comics enough to talk about them for more than like a sentence before we get distracted by talking about what is weird about our blog.

Victor: Imagine if we tried to turn this blog entry into a comic strip. It would take hours and hours and someone would just read it and be like, "The 'fat fuck' part was kind of funny but I actually have no idea what these people are talking about." Instead, we just blogged, and people are like, "Oh hey, another blog about something, maybe I'll read it later." And then they never do. So in conclusion, we're all going to die eventually.

WE'RE BACK! Gunshow 3/20/09

by KC(?)

Owen: This comic is pretty shitty.  Wanna blog about it?

Victor: Yeah, it's pretty bad. Let's blog about it.  "Frowns: 1" is kind of funny.  "Table? I thought we got a stable!!" is pretty bad.  But yeah this guy should kill himself.  Remember that time I drunk-blogged in all caps about how much I hated Scott McCloud?  We never published that blog post.  Was it because I was like incomprehensibly drunk?  I was 60% serious at least.  Understanding Comics was the only good thing he ever did. Oh hey, guest blogger Lee Pender...

Lee: This is stupid.

Owen: Are you saying the comic is stupid or the blog is stupid?

Victor: I think he's talking about the comic. Are you talking about the comic, Lee?

Lee: Yea.

Owen: Lee is the best blogger.  I remember that rant, Victor, it's still in our drafts.

Victor: Can we publish that shit after this?  For posterity?  I agree that Lee is the best blogger.  Very succinct.

Lee: Earlier when I wrote "this is stupid" I kind of felt like I was Owen or something.

Owen:  I don't what to say. 

Lee: Just end it there.

Victor:  You've said "I don't know what to say" before.

Owen: Yeah, I know.  But I also wanted to answer your question.

Victor: Affirmatively or negatively?

Owen: I was going to say "probably."

If You See Something 3/6/09

by the Dude who does "Alien Loves Predator"

Owen: This is the comic the guy from Alien Loves Predator started writing after he quit writing Alien Loves Predator, except he didn't really quit writing Alien Loves Predator.  It's usually political.  This one didn't make sense to me for most of an afternoon, and then I got it.  The joke is that both of the video games are mostly just about shooting things.  Right?

Victor: No, it's just dumb. And kind of racist.

Owen:  It's racist cause she's Indian?  That is actually kinda racist.  Fuck, I got the joke wrong.  I suck at reviewing web comics.  

Victor: I'm not sure how much sense this guy is trying to make.  His intent is hard to pin down.  This seems to tread somewhere between Failed Attempt at Being Absurd and Failed Attempt at Being Funny.

Owen: I'm throwing in the towel.

Victor: DUDE! you can't give up, we're not done!  Naw, whatever.  I just wanted to also say that after wikipedia-ing around for like three seconds, bindis appear to have "no longer signify age, marital status, religious background, or ethnic affliliation" in their modern usage.  Just saying.

Owen: That bold text looks good.

Victor: Bolding shit is a cool look.

Buttersafe 3/5/09

by Alex Culang and Raynato Castro

via Lauren Gardner



Owen: We were going to do another one from this website, but then we liked this one better. This is funny. I like the little ghost guy with the pineapples. This resembles other shitty web comics, but manages to be funny by not being lame.

Victor: I like how the pineapple man disappears before the windshield glass that he shattered even had time to fall to the ground/car's hood.

New Blog Style Note #2

You should note that we have made some changes to the style of wehatethiswebcomic.blogspot.com. We made the title of the blog, "We Hate This Web Comic" very big, like this:

WE HATE THIS WEB COMIC

But bigger.

We did some other shit too.

Like changing the color of the titles and links and stuff.

Dresden Codak Part II

Owen: So, to recap from yesterday: We were having a very interesting conversation about the legitimacy of criticism when we were unfortunately relocated and our blogging devolved into Victor being really high and ranting about something. But I want to say that I really agree with what Victor said last night, which was that when you think about something for long enough, any criticism or analysis begins to see arbitrary, pointless and pointlessly subjective. But yet, I can't help but wonder why I feel emotions when I look at web comics and other forms of artistic expression. It's true that I can't really justify any criticism of web comics. But I can't help feeling what I can only describe as hatred when I read many web comics. Usually that hatred is watered down to mostly indifferent disdain, but it still exists.

Victor: I think these feelings you describe might have something to do with the fact that bad art still takes effort, and while you have empathy for that effort, the fact that it was sort of for naught (i.e. they wanted you to laugh and you didn't) is disappointing. You think: someone spent this much time and effort on this comic strip (for example) and was proud enough to put it on the internet so everyone else could look at it and laugh, and maybe his/her friends like it or even strangers like it but for whatever reasons (which are always contextual or "cultural" to a degree in a loose sense of that word) you don't care. And your own apathy towards this other human being trying to make art and communicate his own subjective universe in a way that is somehow "objectively" accessible fills you with a low-grade existential dread maybe? It's kind of sad to consider that anything can be removed of context is meaningless. It makes you wonder about why we do anything. I guess this only a negative thing if you have a qualitative definition of meaninglessness. The more meaninglessness bothers you, the more generally upset you are because the world is full of things that upon close inspection illustrate their own meaninglessness. Also, a joke in a comic strip has the disadvantage of not having the element of surprise that a joke in real life has, as it has an allotted spacetime that has been explicitly designated as a funny spacetime: there is an agreement that when you look at this space for x amount of time you are to laugh. It's the expectation that creates the disappontment, not the thing itself. The root of all suffering is desire. A person decides to read this blog and expects us to talk about why we hate certain web comics and instead they read us doing the old dorm room wankfest and they are disappointed.

Owen: I hate you.

Victor: Fair enough.

Owen: But I agree that the root of all suffering is desire, which only really applies to my life in terms of art.

Victor: And hats.

Dresden Codak

by Aaron S. Diaz



Owen: Well. This comic uses a lot of big words and symbols and formulas. Making it pretty hard to make fun of. However, I'm pretty sure that it's not funny. I do like the drawings though. It's a bit "Tony Millionaire", especially with the combination of detailed drawings and esoteric words.

Victor: I think anything is pretty easy to make fun of. Watch this: THIS SHIT IS WACK. See? Naw actually I liked the drawings a lot. I feel you on the Tony Millionaire. Plus a little bit of Edward Gorey and that Finnish chick Tove Jansson. GOOGLE THAT. For some reason I laughed at "I possess absolute causal knowledge of the Universe!" with his eyes all bugged out. But then I got bored and stopped reading. TOO MANY WORDS DUDE. I REALLY LIKE WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS FOR THE "YELLING" EFFECT!

Owen: I wonder if it's supposed to be a pun on "carnal knowledge" or if "causal knowledge" is it's own phrase. I googled some things and came to the conclusion that this comic doesn't make any fucking sense. Actually, it's kind of just a lot of references to different things thrown together for no particular reason, kind of like this blog. Do you think it's a viable form of criticism for us to just point out all the other things that certain web comics remind us of, in a way that diminishes their originality?

Victor: Well, before I answer that question Owen, I'd like to point out to our (apparently ten-ish now?) readers that this is the first official usage of a new style we proposed to implement in our previous post. We gave you an example in that post but this is the real deal. OK, so regarding your question, I think the only way I usually think/talk about shit is by referencing other shit, some times to Shit A's credit and sometimes to Shit B's credit or sometimes to the credit of both Shits A and B or sometimes to the credit of neither. I'm not sure what a "viable form of criticism" can/could/should/would/ought look like. I kind of see this blog as us continually realizing that the more you think about anything, the less justification there seems to be for criticizing it and the more arbitrary and absurd our personal senses of aesthetics/etc. are. I think "causal knowledge" is a thing. Let's Google it. OK, Googled it. It does exist. I don't feel like reading about it though. [LOCATION CHANGE NOTE: We just changed locations. We're writing this on another wireless. Live blogging. This girl named Amanda's house, all our readers might not know her. Well Bob, Kathy, Hima and Terence know her at least. Someone just emailed me this link: http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Indie-(for-Girls). Pretty fun in theory already and I haven't even looked at it. Oh shit, I forgot that I was writing this in an Editorial Bracket Thing. OK, end brackets.]

Owen: Dude, you are really high right now.

Victor: I know, I know. What were we talking about?

Owen: To be continued...

New Blog Style Note

From now on we're going to put line breaks in between our "lines" to make it easier to read.

ie:

Victor: This sucks.

Owen: Yeah, I agree with what you said it totally sucks.

Cat and Girl

by Dorothy(at)catandgirl.com



Victor: I didn't read this. The dude looks like a mix between Catbert and the dude in Achewood.
Owen: Oh, and it's also stealing...what is that comic?...fuck...can't remember...don't care.

Bohemian Drive

by Kit Roebuck



Owen: There's only one panel from this comic because it's set up in this weird way where you have to scroll across the screen so you can read it, so you can click on the picture to see the rest of the comic. This is the first time this guy has updated this story in like two years or something. You kind of have to have read the whole thing, which is like 75 parts long, but it has the word "bohemian" in it, so I thought you might like it.
Victor: I had an OK time reading this comic.
Owen: Great. I don't really have anything else to say.
Victor: Cut it, print it.

Herman the Manatee

by Jason Viola



Owen: Where to begin?
Victor: I like the picture of the man.
Owen: I think that's supposed to be Fidel.
Victor: Looks more like Saddam Hussein, actually.
Owen: That wouldn't make any sense.
Victor: This is like underwater Family Circus.
Owen: Oh, that's what the swirly black lines are. No matter how many times I try to read this I can't actually pay attention long enough to figure out what the stupid manatees are talking about. This is so terrible.
Victor: No, yeah, the same exact thing keeps happening with me.
Owen: Who comes up with this shit? Why do you people do this?
Victor: What else is there to do?

A Softer World

by The Worst Person Ever



Victor: This comic is like Blues Traveler.

Dinosaur Comics

by Ryan North



Owen: I don't really have any feelings about this comic, but I figured we should cover it because it's a mainstay of the web comic world, and whenever I read it it just kind of annoys me. I don't understand what this is about at all.
Victor: I dig that he's always about to step on a house and then we don't ever find out if he does. There's a real sense of mystery. It's like Twin Peaks.
Owen: Oh, man. Let's not talk about Twin Peaks.
Victor: OK.

Maakies

by Tony Millionaire



Owen: I didn't realize until recently that Tony Millionaire posted this shit on the internet. Did you know that Tony Millionaire was like one of the first generation of arty dudes to move to Williamsburg. He used to publish this comic in a Williamsburg weekly newspaper Waterfront Week before it was in the Village Voice.
Victor: This comic isn't bad... Why are we reviewing it?
Owen: Um. I don't know. I just ran across it the other day and felt like expressing my feelings about it in blog form.
Victor: Did you know one of the dudes from TV on the Radio used to do animation for Celebrity Death Match?
Owen: No. Crazy. Oh, yeah, there was an animated version of this comic that was on Adult Swim. I think we even talked about blogging about it at one point. It's kind of like the craziest thing. It's on YouTube.com.
Victor: I'm pretty sure a lot of shit we like is made by the educated elite living in economically depressed neighborhoods.
Owen: So... What are you trying to say?
Victor: I don't know.

Toothpaste for Dinner 2.17.08

Owen: This is like the most scenery I have ever seen in this comic. One thing I can say for this dude is that he has a definite style that is pretty cool/quirky but also consistent.
Victor: Yeah, it's called jocking David Shrigley.
Owen: Oh, yeah, that's a good point. But, it's like kind of different.
Victor: Yeah, it's wack.

Casino Comic -- Another one by "old andy pandy"

Victor: I like this one. Very Emo.
Owen: I can't understand why people gamble or go to casinos. But one time I saw this French movie about gambling with my dad, and it was crazy. I could kind of understand why the two people kept gambling. But I was also like, these people are hella crazy. (Also, if you can tell me the name of the movie write it in the comments, because I can't remember).
Victor: I don't think I've ever gambled in a casino. I think I did a slot machine once but it just seemed like it was broken or maybe I just lost.
Owen: Nuts. Every morning I get coffee from the bodega next to my house when I wake up, and there's like a line of old people at the counter shouting out lottery numbers, and it's always an odd thing to experience after I've been awake for like thirty minutes or whatever. I feel bad for this kid. But it kind of annoys me that he wants us to feel bad for him. But it's also, like, an interesting story, so I'm glad I know about it.
Victor: I noticed in his livejournal comments, someone remarked on how much it was in the style of Chris Ware to which he said it was a "love letter" to Chris Ware. Thoughts?
Owen: Yeah, he totally copped the shit like the "because" arrow and the "but" block from Chris Ware, and I don't think a cartoonist could really do that without being aware of that, but I'm also pretty sure that Chris Ware copped that from some like old comics that you've never heard of because he's a nerd. And I guess this comic and Chris Ware's stuff is about hating your parents, although I think Ware's form of self-loathing is a lot more intense, and kind of gross a lot of the time. It's weird that Chris Ware is like, so important. I was actually talking to Bethany, the Speed Racer blogger, the other night about him. I mean, he's good, but really? I think that Dash Shaw will eventually eclipse that dude if he keeps making awesome things. But I also think that arty comics as a thing could disappear like the fucking newspapers, like, within the year.
Victor: "Arty Comics" is weird as a term. Chris Ware seems to be copping old shit in the interest of saying something. Very apologetically reference-y like someone who's always throwing up air-quotes with their fingers. I think I liken him to David Foster Wallace who also can be a bit too weepy to handle some times (after all he did commit suicide) but end of the day I think they're both pretty brilliant.
Owen: Yeah. I actually think I take back everything I just said. I totally like reading Chris Ware, but I guess I feel weird about reading trendy "graphic novels" which may be a more appropriate term than "arty comics." Even though I actually really like graphic novels. My life is so fucked up.
Victor: You need to straighten up and fly right.

Achewood 2.13.09

by Chris Onstad



Owen: This comic really resonates with me, cause I have that same relationship with my stomach. And I would totally each something stupid and gross like a Pepperoni Hot Pocket at seven in the morning. And then my stomach would be like, "Fuck you," and I would have a terrible shit about five minutes later. It's like, if I drink a Coca-Cola and eat a hamburger, when I got to the bathroom, my shit is carbonated.
Victor: I didn't read this one. Too many words. Very small text. And my glasses aren't my real prescription, I got them at the drug store.
Owen: Yeah, his comics have been particularly long recently. And the type is super small, which is funny, cause sometimes he does Chris Ware spoofs, and Chris Ware's comic always have unbelievably small lettering that give me a headache to read. But the premise of the comic is that the cat's stomach starts talking to him because he eats shitty things and then he finds out that his stomach has been paying attention to his whole life and shit.
Victor: I like that the talking cat has a talking stomach but there's still too many words. Nice try, Achewood. But no dice.

Toothpaste for Dinner 2.13.08

by that dude Drew



Owen: This is only funny because it relates to my life. Or maybe it's really funny.
Victor: What's the difference?
Owen: Well, it's like, the author of the comic is speaking to a particular audience, which is like dudes that would give each other synthesizer modules as presents, or are in bands with people who would do that, so I'm like, "Yeah, I know someone who is totally like that. That is so funny." But I think it might also appeal to people who don't know what they are talking about but just think they're nerds. Though I think the joke is a bit flawed, because the first line is funnier than the punchline. I mean, just saying "synthesizer module" in a web comic is pretty funny, and he could have just stopped there, but the punchline is lame. Like, "Ha ha, synthesizers sound annoying." Not that funny.
Victor: I just wrote a long ass thing about the difference between good and satisfying but it didn't make any sense so I deleted it.
Owen: Yeah. I think about that sometimes. Like, Ornette Coleman is good and satisfying, John Coltrane is Good but not satisfying to me, and Ramsey Lewis is satisfying but not good (at least according to other people). But whatever, who cares. One thing that bothers me about this comic is that he says "bar graph" when he means "visualizer." It sort of undermines the authenticity of the comic. And it's surprising, because the author is obviously a huge fucking nerd.
Victor: Wow, I'm in a band with you that uses hella synthesizers and I wasn't thinking about that whole "bar graph" vs. "visualizer" thing. Ornette Coleman is the shit. John Coltrane satisfies me. I think I learned in college that everything is subjective. I don't know who Ramsey Lewis is. But I do read a lot of Foucault, Barthes, and Virginia Wolf. Virginia Wolf is my favorite.
Owen: Everything is subjective.

Anders Loves Maria

by Rene Engstrom

Owen: I got an RSS subscription to this comic like two weeks ago, and I really can't believe how stupid it is every day. It never makes any sense, and I think it's just about how this dude has a pregnant girlfriend but he's an asshole or something. Drawings=Terrible. Writing=Terrible.

Victor: I'm going to have to go ahead and agree with you on this one, Owen. What the fuck is going on here? I read some other ones dude did that also don't make sense but this is on some late Godard type WTF shit. The drawings are like dude went to SCAD cartooning school and sucked his own dick for two years. I don't even know what that means I just said it.

Owen: I think it's like a pastiche where in the first panel, the dude, Anders, is having sex with some chick who isn't pregnant, and then on the other side his pregnant girlfriend is alone, and in the middle some crazy lady is calling some other chick, and they're all held together by the sound of the daily newspaper hitting the curb outside of their apartments. It's like William Carlos Williams or something. But I think to understand all of the pathos in this particular scene you would have to go back and read this whole fucking comic, which would be worse than reading Mein Kampf like ten times without a break.

Victor: I know you don't smoke weed but are you HELLA HIGH RIGHT NOW? No, but actually thanks for the explanation, I think I get it now: it's poignant. Like Garden State. I really am seeing Carlos Williams too now. And Mein Kampf. All valid reference points. This dude's shit should be on SparkNotes. You remember in college when you would see pretty girls walking around with Ulysses and "The Ulysses Reader" and you were like, "I bet she's smart" and maybe it was true and maybe it wasn't? Or like everyone is smart in their own way?

Owen: Or like a pretty girl reading Discipline and Punish? Or Meditations in an Emergency? Or Thus Spake Zarathustra? Or Orlando? Or S/Z? Or The Man Who Was Thursday? Or Venus in Furs? Or Djinn? Or Summa Theologica? Or Expositio aurea super artem veterem Aristotelis? Fuck you.

Victor: Oh yeah that unauthorized Orlando Bloom biography is pretty dope.

Owen: Virginia Woolf.

Victor: I believe it's spelled: Wolf. Virginia Wolf.

Owen: Neil Gotanda.

Victor: Edward Said.

Owen: Roger Cohen. Sucks.

Victor: Which Cohen brother is he? The one that is now a biological female?

Owen: What? Is that true?

Victor: No, it's a joke. One of the Wachowski brothers is a biological female now though. I think that's what Speed Racer is about.

Owen: I didn't see that. I guess I will have to. You and my friend Bethany both like it. She wrote about it.

Victor: Shit, I'll have to read that later. I know Bethany, she's a nice lady. Speed Racer and Michael Jackson's Moonwalker are tied for Craziest Fucking Movie Ever. Oh, also, this web comic sucks.

Owen: Coda.

We Lost the Alien Loves Predator Picture Contest

These are the finalists, and here is the winner:

Owen: This is really stupid.

Victor: It's amazing how little I want to read this. I couldn't get past the first panel. I wonder why dude chose the picture he chose. all of the runners up looked exactly the same.

Owen: Dude, I was going to say the same thing. I still think he should have chosen our entry. Fuck him.

Victor: Yeah, I just imagined that picture at the end of this comic and it was hilarious. We're the best.

Owen: Yeah, the dude he chose is just doing exactly what he said you should do and looks completely normal except for his stupid goatee. Idiot. Let's move on to that other comic, this is making angry.

Victor: Owen, you need to calm down. All of this anger is not healthy.

"Owen" by Joshua Moor

Victor: This web comic was submitted to us by the previously mentioned ex-girlfriend who was obsessed with James Kochalka.  Her name is Kathy MacLeod and I would've linked to her website but it seems to be down right now.  She makes comics and is one of two confirmed readers of this blog (the other is Bob Weisz, who has a Google alert on his name).  Owen, does this web comic accurately depict your life?

Owen: No.  Fuck this dude for naming a comic after me that sucks.  I graduated from college and I don't even fuck with Art.

Victor: I recall you fucking with art in college a little bit.

Owen: Nah man.  This comic is fucking terrible.

Victor: This is the worst comic I've ever seen.  It's so bad that I actually love it. I can't stop looking at it.  The stupid fonts, the retarded figuration, the boring bullshit ass nonsense dialogue.  It's perfect.  wehatethiswebcomic.blogspot.com could not ask for better content.

Owen: This is like something I would have made for computer camp class when I was seven.  Except if I was way stupider.

Victor: Why does every dorm hallway look exactly the same? I give him points for using mixed media.  God, this comic is so bad. Oh, sorry, I mean this *cartoon* is so bad.  We should review a Scott McCloud comic.  I think we discussed it before.  Jesus, I can't get over "OWEN."  Even the speech bubbles are retarded.

Owen: Yeah, I guess this doesn't even qualify as "sequential art" or whatever Scott McCloud talks about.  It's just two terribly drawn people some crappy bubbles slapped on them.  I don't think the second guy has legs.  And it looks like he's wearing a leotard.  But I think we need to build up to Scott McCloud since he's like an authority or something.

Victor: It looks like he's kneeling with his feet behind the title box, actually.  But yeah, he's definitely wearing some sort of 'tard. I think it's a unitard.  OK, but like can't it be argued that the fact that there are multiple speech bubbles means that time is passing within the one panel? And since you read the speech bubbles in "sequence" it's, to some extent, "sequential?"  I don't know, he probably touches on that, I haven't read that book in years... It just seems like a silly distinction to make.

Owen: Shit.  I guess your right.  Fuck.  You know what I just realized?  This guy is actually a genius, because the comic is meta, because he's in it.  I think he's the dude who failed art, and the comic illustrates how bad at art he is, and that's why he's going to fail college.  And he tricked us, because we just think it was actually the shittiest comic we have ever seen.  It's kind of like a trompe l'eoil, you know that painting that looks so real that you can't tell it's a painting, and then when you reach out to eat the grapes or whatever, it's actually just a painting.  I guess maybe we should read some more of his comics and see if that theory holds up.

Victor: I don't know if I want to look at the rest of them.  Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Special guest blogger Kathy MacLeod of kathyspotsafatbitch.blogspot.com says: "It had me from the tagline: 'College doesn't suck, but sometimes it does.' ...I imagine the creator as a corny fat bitch and I want to tickle him."  I just had another idea.  Maybe, in addition to being a trompe l'eoil, the cartoon/comic is an attempt at deconstructing the pedagogy of respected sequential art theorist Scott McCloud...

Owen: Yeah.  So I guess this guy is a genius.  We need to stop giving positive reviews to shitty comics.  But, even if it's not supposed to be really smart, the dude is still in college, and this comic makes me want to kill myself a lot less than the shit that was published in the Argus (Boy with Fish for a Head not included in that category), so I guess that's something.

Victor: As a former editor of the Wesleyan Argus comics page, I can attest that this is exactly as shitty as every other comic we published.

Owen: Fair enough.

xkcd

by Randall Monroe (Some fucking nerd)

Owen: I don't get the joke.

Victor: I think the one on the right is supposed to be Obama and the one on the left is the author.  This is the worst thing I've seen in my life. Or all day.

Owen: I still don't get it.  Why the fuck would he ask that?  Yeah, this comic is always really stupid and nerdy.  And the guy makes a living off of it.  Stupid.

Victor: I think the specificity of what he's actually saying waters down the absurdity--which I think is supposed to be the operative thing in cartoon.  He's trying to do too much.  Physics major.  You know that Scoot Adams used to write "Dilbert will be the number one syndicated comic strip in America" or something to that effect like a hundred times a day until it came true?  He's really big on self-actualization through daily affirmations.  Anyway, this cartoon sucks.

Owen: Who is Scoot Adams?  Oh according to Lee and Tal, John Roberts and Obama screwed up the inauguration because Roberts used long sentences and Obama was nervous.  So this dude is saying that if it had been him he would have started talking about how it's cool to be a woman.  This is kind of like "Garfield Minus Garfield."  It's more like a cry for help than a web comic.

Victor: Scoot Adams is Scott Adams' little brother.

Toothpaste For Dinner T-Shirt

from the Toothpaste for Dinner Store

Owen: I like how the image for "Men's" and "Women's" is the same thing.

Victor: Yeah it's cute. Very "Toothpaste for Dinner." Weren't you saying you admired that t-shirt model's boobs?

Owen: Yeah, that's why I made a screen capture of it.  Did you read the comic?

Victor: About wine? Yeah. It's OK.  

aLp photo contest

We just submitted a photo to the Alien Loves Predator dude's photo competition where he's going to put a picture of you in his comic reacting to his terrible jokes.

here's the photo:

(From left: Victor, thumb, Owen)

We didn't really follow the directions, which were to imitate the pose of the predator in the last panel of the comic we reviewed a couple of weeks ago. 

Here's proof of our entry:

Love,

wehatethiswebcomic.blogspot.com

"Garfield Minus Garfield"

Victor: I actually find all of these fucking hilarious.

Owen: They're often pretty hilarious, but sometimes they just actually don't make any sense. It's kind of the same joke, everyday.

Victor: I guess I don't read them everyday but just occasionally in chunks. I think they're better that way. This is like the smoking weed of web comics. Kind of boring.

Owen: Well, I wouldn't know anything about that. Did you ever see that thing Bob Weisz did with the Calvin and Hobbes comics?

Victor: I know Jordan Fish did a thing with one Calvin & Hobbes strip once and it "went viral."

Owen: Shit. I haven't seen that. Calvin & Hobbes is really good though.

Victor: Yeah. Like, duh.

Another "American Elf"

Owen: This is, like, on the level of "Family Circus."

Victor: That is completely accurate.

Pictures for Sad Children

by John Campbell

Victor: This is dumb.  And racist.

Owen: Hey you speak spanish right?  What the hell is this about?

Victor: He said what are you wearing and then kept saying he didn't understand the ghost and then he felt and then he called him a "fucking strawberry" from off-panel.  It's not really racist, I just thought it was funny to say that.  How many web comics look like this?  Like, a lot, right?

Owen: Calling him a "fucking strawberry" is kinda funny.

Victor: I don't find it very funny.  In fact I find it terribly offensive and racist.

Owen: Get off your high horse, man.

Victor: RACISM IS REAL!

Owen: I don't even know what to say to that.

Victor: Yeah, you wouldn't.

Owen: Fuck.  It's true.  I'm a white person.  I would probably love this comic if I didn't know you.

Victor: I don't even know what to say to that.

American Elf

by James Kochalka



Owen: James Kochalka would probably cry or something if he ever found this.
Victor: He's a sensitive man from what I gather from his daily web comic diaries. He was one of my young adulthood heroes. I've met him three times and interviewed him twice, once at a comic convention and once at a Burger King. The other time I met him was at his art show in New York. I was with my ex-girlfriend and she was kind of obsessed with him. Wait aren't we supposed to be being mean?
Owen: I kind of like him because he lives in the town I was born in. I just discovered him a year ago though. I actually read his entire diary in like two weeks. I don't really understand what this one is about though. Why does he say "HOORAY" at the end? Do you think he would remember you?
Victor: Don't know. I think he said "HOORAY" sarcastically. We really need to find some web comics we hate and step the game up on this blog cause as it stands we've had one bad review and two non-bad ones.
Owen: Why, because the kid is asleep? Well, we can go to toothpastefordinner.com but I don't want to.
Victor: I like toothpastefordinner.com. It's weird to end a sentence with a website cause then you have the word com in a little period sandwich. Come to think of it, I don't really get why he says "HOORAY" at the end either.
Owen: Yeah.

"Robin in the Rye"

by some guy



Owen: This one is too big.
Victor: Yeah, it took me like fifteen minutes to read or something. But I like it. It made me feel again.
Owen: I thought the part with the creepy old man happens more at the beginning in the book.
Victor: No it happens towards the end. After he gets kicked out of the ho house for not paying he needs somewhere to stay, I'm pretty sure. Nice casting of Batman and Batgirl.
Owen: And Alfred. I still can't remember. Maybe I should read the book again. My Dad gave me this book in the summer when I was twelve.
Victor: Yeah I had just turned thirteen when I read it. It was Thanksgiving. It's pretty good, I'd read it again.
Owen: Wow, I love you, man.
Victor: Shit, I love you too.

"Alien Loves Predator" Sucks

Victor: This comic makes me tired just looking at it. I don't even want to read it.
Owen: I read it. I have no idea what it's about.
Victor: OK, I just skimmed it while you were reading it. Didn't make very much sense to me. The "comics" font is stupid.
Owen: Why is the Alien doing math? Couldn't it just kill everyone?
Victor: Wait, the Alien's doing math?